


A Week in LA

by henghost



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-01-13 01:51:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/henghost/pseuds/henghost
Summary: BLACKPINK has come to LA, and now they have unprecedented freedom, which of course they use irresponsibly. First, Lisa wants Rosé to experience 'the culture of America' with her.





	1. Ecstasy

It was rare if ever that Rosé saw Lisa sweat-- she was so thin and athletic. But as the two bounced to the music under the baking desert sun with less than five hours of sleep between them, Rosé could see little rivulets fell down her forehead and arms and neck. It was beautiful, she thought, the way it made her glow, the inebriating scent. It made the scene feel all that more  _ real _ ,  which Rosé had been struggling with, because it all seemed so, well, unreal. It must be the product of some elaborate prank that she should find herself in the heartland of entertainment, the name on everyone’s lips, and in the midst of people years ago she had only seen on TV but who she could now be considered equal with. And she had the people she loved most to experience it with. She put her arm around Lisa’s shoulder and felt the vibrations-- the performer was some EDM-type DJ she’d never heard of before-- ricochet through her. 

No one around them seemed to know who they were, something that could never happen in Asia. But that was just fine by Rosé. It allowed her to be herself, whatever that meant, and literally dance like no one was watching. 

Lisa leaned into Rosé and whispered, “Hey, Rosie, let’s go somewhere where we can talk.” She said it in English, which she’d been speaking almost exclusively since they landed in LA. 

They made their way to the trailer their group had been given, making their way past tall, black-clad Asian men whose increasing density made the trailer easy to find. It was empty, they found. Jennie and Jisoo had mentioned between giggles something about wanting to see Idris Elba for reasons other, it seemed, than being fans of his music. 

“What is it, Lisa?” Rosé asked. Lisa smiled coyly and dug into an uncharacteristically cheap-looking handbag and retrieved something. “What’s that?”

“I just thought since we’re here, you know, it’d be a good opportunity to participate in the, um, culture. Isn’t that what they call America? The land of opportunity.”

“Why do I feel worried?”

Lisa opened her hand to reveal two neon-pink tablets resting on her palm. “They’re a pretty color, right?”

Rosé’s eyes widened, and she whipped her head around to see if anyone was looking which of course there wasn’t. “ _ Li _ sa. What… What even is that? I’m sure you’re not supposed to have that.”

“Relax, Rosie. Don’t be such a prude.”

“Is that really what I think it is?”

“You’re so cute when you’re like this. It’s called Ecstasy. And don’t worry, I got it from someone trustworthy and famous, but they made me promise not to tell you their name.” Rosé had to admit it was kind of adorable to hear Lisa’s foreign tongue struggle around the name: Ex… tuh… see.

“I know what it’s called. I’m surprised  _ you  _ know what it’s called. You could get in real trouble for having that.”

“Oh, that’s bullshit, and you know it.” It was strangely jarring to hear her swear in English. “Our company’s given me more drugs than anyone else. You know they gave me Xanax when I was, like, fifteen? For anxiety, they said.”

“Really? Jesus. But, Lisa, listen, we have to be responsible--”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m that much younger than you. I know it’s not ‘responsible,’ that’s kind of the point. That’s who I am, you know? I’m supposed to be irresponsible. I’m supposed to be a  _ rapper,  _ and, I don’t know if you’re that familiar with the American rap-scene, but that’s a big part of it. Drug use.” 

“You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not.”

“That’s what I’m saying. This  _ is  _ who I am. It’s the crazy standards we have to live up to that’s keeping me from being, well, me. Plus, aren’t you excited? I know for a fact that you’ve never been ‘fucked up,’ as the Americans say.” 

“I can’t believe this. Also, what do you mean am  _ I  _ excited. I didn’t sign up for this.”

“Oh, come on, Rosie. It won’t be fun if I do it alone. Please.”

“No way. Please don’t make me do this.”

“No one’s making you. It’s just that I want some company. It’ll be fun, I promise.”

“...”

Lisa found a bottle of water, opened it, and swallowed one of the pills. 

“Ugh, fine,” Rosé sighed and grabbed the other pill from a smiling Lisa.

***

It was about thirty minutes later when it kicked in. The pair had found their way into Wiz Khalifa performance, whom Rosé’d also never heard of before. Between the bassy refrains-- “ _ Let’s get medicated”--  _ she could hear her heartbeat become louder and faster in her chest, and if Lisa had been sweating before, now she was absolutely dripping. The lights and high-contrast colors began to blur together, and it was as if she wasn’t listening to the music but instead having it projected directly into her brain. Every time she bumped into Lisa it was like an electric shock. In other words, she felt fantastic. Lisa seemed to be having a good time, too, if her wide, almost childlike grin and massive pupils were any indication. 

They soon realized that this was going to be more intense of an experience than they’d anticipated-- their body fat percentage and therefore their susceptibility to substances was certainly lower than average, after all-- and decided to return to their hotel. It was somewhat awkward asking their manager to drive them, as it was becoming difficult to act ‘normal.’ 

They each had their own room, but Rosé joined Lisa in hers-- neither of them wanted to be alone. The walls didn’t spin so much as pulse. Lisa’s platinum blonde hair had a halo around it in Rosé’s vision, and her skin seemed to ebb and flow like a wave. 

“Let’s go to the pool, Rosie,” Lisa said. “I think I saw one down there.”

Rosé laughed. “Are you sure we won’t, like, drown?”

“Of course not.”

“I didn’t bring a bathing suit.”

“You’re wearing underwear, aren’t you?”

“ _ Li _ sa!”

“What? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“It’s not you I’m worried about.”  
“No one knows we’re here. No one knows who we are here period. Come on.”

Rosé hesitated, but it felt so good to be close to Lisa that she didn’t dare let her go alone, so the two crept down to the lobby’s pool, giggling and holding each other’s hands. It was late enough that it was totally empty, and the lights had been dimmed. Then Lisa, without warning, pulled off her blue jeans and striped t-shirt and leapt cannonball-style into the deep blue pool causing Rosé to squeal and recoil as the water from the splash hit her.

“Jump in, Rosie. It feels amazing.”

It took Rosé a moment to respond because she was transfixed on Lisa’s lithe body. The underwater lights suffused the water with an otherworldly incandescence, and as Lisa tread water it bounced and refracted, all of which made Lisa look angelic; there was no other word for it. Finally, though, she took off her own clothes, feeling a brief pang of self-consciousness but forgetting it the instant she touched the water (her entrance was not as grand as Lisa’s, Rosé opted to simply slip in). 

“Amazing, right?” Lisa said. 

“Oh my god.” Lisa was right. The water cradled her like she was a newborn child, every ripple sending pleasure throughout her entire body. 

Lisa swam over to her and gripped her hand, and Rosé was for an instant dumbstruck by her profound beauty. It was true, it was nothing she hadn’t seen before, but the way Lisa’s bra clung to her, the way her now wet hair curved up at the ends, the way the water was reflected in her dark eyes, Rosé had never seen anything more beautiful.

“You’re so pretty,” Rosé said. “I don’t tell you that enough.” And, powerless to her own impulses, she brought her lips against Lisa’s. 

Lisa pulled away. “You’re not thinking straight, Rosie. It’s the pill.”

“But this just feels so right, Lisa. It feels like I’ve always wanted this deep down. Don’t you feel the same way?”

“I…”  
“Let’s go back to the room.”

“But we only just got here,” Lisa said, but then she saw the look in Rosé’s eye. “I think it’s my turn to be worried now.” 

Rosé ripped Lisa from the pool and the two scampered back upstairs, neglecting to gather their clothes. When they were inside, Rosé jumped on Lisa. Just to be so close, to hear her heart and breath, it was like everything awful was being scrubbed from the record, and she couldn’t get enough. She kissed her lips, her neck, her ear. 

“What’s gotten into you, Rosie?”

But Rosé didn’t have time to respond. She unclipped Lisa’s bra and put her tongue against her nipples, and she barely heard Lisa gasp. She pushed her onto the bed and pulled down Lisa’s sheer black underwear, revealing a tangled mess of dark hair. Before continuing, she looked up at Lisa and asked, “You want this too, right?”

“Don’t stop, Rosie,” Lisa practically screamed. 

Rosé buried her face into Lisa, and the smell of her made Rosé’s mind scream with pleasure and arousal. She’d never done this before, but she was beyond conscious thought at this point. Her senses belonged to Lisa now: the sound of her moans, the smell of her skin, the feeling of her mouth against her, the sight of every perfection, the sweet taste of her on her lips. Rosé wanted this to last forever.

But of course it couldn’t. Rosé returned to the world when Lisa pulled her off, the way one would an attack dog. 

“I can’t take anymore,” Lisa whimpered. 

“What did we just do?” Rosé giggled. 

“I don’t know, but we should do it again.”


	2. Purity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie wants to help Jisoo out.

“Really?”

“Yes. I mean technically we're all supposed to be.”

“Not true. It’s not, like, written down anywhere, at least.”

“Right, but could you imagine what would happen if anyone found out.”

“Mm, I don't know, I think people are more open-minded than we give them credit for.”

“I feel like people, including you, were pretty upset when everyone found out about you and that one guy. What was his name?”

“It's not important. And I wasn't upset, really, I was more afraid of how the, like, upper management would react, you know? Anyway, you're telling me you've really never had sex? And you're, what, twenty-four?”

“Yes, that is what I'm telling you. Are you so shocked? I guess, I don't know… How do you find the time for all that?”

“It's not a very time-intensive thing, Jisoo, at least not in my experience. It just kind of happens.” Jisoo sighed and gazed out at the big blue sea, the great connector. “Which, like, I’m not making fun of you or anything. It’s pretty fucked up, actually, the way people talk about ‘virgins,’ specifically women. Like having sex makes you less pure or something.”

“Listen, Jennie, don’t worry about it. You know me, I like to take things slow. Maybe once all this idol stuff is over.”

“You sound depressed. Don’t be depressed. How about this: we’re in America, we don’t have anything we have to do for a week, let’s try and get you laid.” Jisoo groaned “I’m serious. No one here knows who we are, not without the clothes and makeup and everything, anyway. And look around. Look at this hot,  _ hot _ LA beach and all its succulent fruits.” 

It seemed as if Jennie was referring to the bevvy of muscular men without shirts lifting themselves up and over big gymnastic-type bars. 

“God, fine, but not today, alright. I’m exhausted. Let’s just appreciate these ‘fruits,’ which, weird choice of words by the way, then go back to the hotel.”

 

***

 

“You wanted to watch a movie or something?”

“I guess so.”

“Oh, cheer up, Jisoo. Come here, we can watch something romantic and sad and cry in each other’s arms.”

“I’m not in a romantic mood.”

“Jesus, Jisoo, I’m going to make you happy if it kills me. What do you want, huh? We’ll get you a boyfriend or whatever else you’re into. You have the best friend anyone could ever ask for. This is without mentioning our massive career achievement.”

“Relax, Jennie. All I really want is some peace and quiet. You pick the movie.”

They ended up watching  _ The Handmaiden, _ a Korean movie and a welcome taste of home for Jisoo-- Jennie said she’d seen it before but was okay with watching it again. The plot was kind of convoluted, and Jisoo was only half paying attention. Something about a waifish girl who gets involved in a complex plot to scam some wealthy Japanese (the whole Japanese colonialism part was totally opaque to Jisoo, history was never her strongest subject) woman out of her inheritance. But of course there’s a twist. The titular handmaiden (i.e. the waifish girl) falls in love with the older aristocrat over the course of several scenes featuring fairly graphic lesbian sex. 

“Who was it you said you watched this with,” Jisoo asked as casually as she could manage with Jennie so close.

“Lisa, I think. It’s great, isn’t it?” Jennie giggled.

“I guess it’s a little racier than I was anticipating.” More giggling from Jennie. 

“Oh, don’t play innocent.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t think I do.”

“Uh, well let’s say your phone isn’t secure as you might’ve thought.” Jisoo felt a shot of adrenaline straight to her heart. “I can’t say I was surprised, you know. You always seemed less interested in guys than the rest of us. And a lot of other things started to make sense. The way you acted around me, especially when we were younger, the way you were so afraid to touch me, the color your face turned when you caught me in the shower. Listen, I get it, we’ve all had crushes. But how long has this been going on? Your search history… It’s just pictures of me.” 

Red came rushing to Jisoo’s pale face. 

“When did you find out?”

“Just a couple days ago. That’s why I was asking you about your, you know, sexual history earlier. I wanted to see if you’d own up to it.”

“I can’t fucking believe you, Jennie. Own up to it? This is my goddamn life. I thought you were my friend.”  
“Woah, relax. I still love you, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. It’s just I can’t believe you never told me. How long have we known each other?”

“Maybe I never told you because I was afraid something exactly like this would happen.”

“I already said I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you.”

“How could you possibly make it up to me?”

Jennie brought her face close to Jisoo’s, and she could feel Jennie’s warm breath against her cheek, smell her fruity shampoo.

“What are you doing?”

Jennie wrapped her lips around Jisoo’s, causing her to push Jennie away, perhaps harder than she meant.

“What the hell, Jennie? This is  _ abuse.  _ You find out I had a crush on you--”

“Have.”

“Whatever, that I  _ have  _ a crush on you and your first response is to make me watch gay porn then make out with me.”

“It’s not a big deal. I’m sure you get, I don’t know, frustrated being around me all the time, seeing me in those revealing outfits, watching me change. Really, I don’t mind. We can just get it over with. Easy.”

“You’re so full of yourself.”

“Come on, Jisoo. I know you’ve touched yourself to the thought of this exact moment.” It was true, and the unbidden heat between her legs reminded her of it. “It doesn’t have to be anything serious. Just a one night stand, if you want.”

Before she could admit to herself that she didn’t, in fact, want it to be only one night and before a wet spot appeared at the crotch of her pants, she relented-- it’s only once, she told herself, then things can go back to normal. Jisoo nodded, and that was all the signal Jennie needed. 

Jennie jumped on her with a practiced ferocity, pushing their lips together, then moving her mouth down Jisoo’s body, tearing her blouse open.  _ It’s only casual _ , Jisoo kept saying to herself, as she tried to not jump on top of Jennie and thus betray her true feelings. She failed to see the irony as the thought came out in the form of desperate, needy moans.

Her jeans were soon on the floor of the hotel room, and Jennie was displaying surprising acumen in her ability to pleasure a woman, or maybe Jisoo was biased on that front. Either way, there was only so long she could last against the constant assault before an explosion sent her further outside herself than she already was.

Jennie put her slender arms around a nude, panting Jisoo, and said, “I told you I was the best friend anyone could ask for.” 

When the two had returned to their respective rooms, Jisoo knelt on the carpet and wept into her hands. 


	3. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lisa experiences a comedown and finds a shoulder to cry on.

The serotonin whiplash hit Lisa like a brick to the head. The sheets against her body in the dark room itched, and she was too hot, and where Rosé touched her it burned. It was like she’d dug too far into her own head. Was this the comedown she’d been warned about? The light in the smoke-detector above her blinked neon green at three second intervals. The thought that she’d never been this sad before in her life ricocheted and bounced off the walls of her mind. She found herself thinking back to when she’d first come to Korea and known no one and been so miserable, and about when the stress of training really got to her and she stayed out late at night, walking along the Han River. Tears kind of leaked out of her eyes.

Careful not to wake Rosé, Lisa slipped out of the wide hotel bed and crept to the door, grabbing what she thought were her clothes and putting them on. The door opened before she could touch the knob. It was Jisoo, her silhouette stark and clear against the hallway light. She smelled of the perfume Jennie often wore.

“Lisa, I… I need to talk to you.” Was she crying?

“Shh. Let’s go outside.”

“Is someone in there with you?”

“Don’t worry about it. Come on.”

***

“What is it, Jisoo?” Lisa asked, biting her tongue to keep tears from spilling out.

“I-- how do I even say this? Jennie and I, we…”

“What? Did you get into a fight?”

“Kind of. She came onto me. We slept together. God, that’s weird to say.”

Lisa bit her tongue again, this time to suppress something like hysterical laughter.

“Uh, what do you mean?” she managed to get out.

“I mean she just kind of cornered me and kissed me and I couldn’t say no. I mean, why couldn’t I say no? I don’t want this. I never wanted this, no matter what she says.” And she burst into a paroxysm of sobs, pushing her face into her hands, and Lisa wrapped her arms around Jisoo, pushing the nail of her thumb into the pad of her index finger, something to distract her from the devastating lack of happiness-inducing neurotransmitters.

“Listen, Jisoo, talk to me. I’m here for you.”

“Lisa, how could this happen?”

“If I’m being totally honest, I thought it already had happened.”

“What?” Jisoo said, raising her face from her hands.

“I mean, you two were just so close when you were trainees. I was kind of jealous, to be honest. You were always in locked rooms together, always sneaking out late at night. I kind of thought there was maybe a sexual element to all of that.”

“God, no.”

“Sorry. Well then what _did_ happen.”

“Lisa, you have to promise that you won’t tell anyone about this. No one, especially not Rosé.” Thinking of Rosé brought a lump to Lisa’s throat and a tightness to her chest.

“I promise.”

“Well, okay. I mean, you’re kind of right. Or, at least, I wish you were right. I’ve always had I guess you would call it a crush on Jennie. Ever since I first met her. She’s just-- well you know how she is. She exudes a sort of pure sexual energy. I’ve always found it irresistible.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“But she’s never, like, reciprocated. I remember once when we were trainees and it was a brutal week-- there were evaluations or something. I think you were somewhere else at the time. So we were both really stressed and when we were stressed we couldn’t be separated, or at least I couldn’t leave her. I must’ve been insufferable. And we were in her tiny dorm room, and I told her ‘Jennie, I just want you to know that you’re the only reason this is all worth it,’ to which she responded, ‘I know.’ Which I don’t really blame her for saying, she’s just that kind of person. But then, in a move of pure desperation slash exasperation slash a blind grope for comfort, I sort of wrapped my arm around her back-- we were lying on our stomachs on her little twin bed-- and then I lowered my hand to her, well, you know. Kind of cliche, I know. But she didn’t notice at all. So I thought that maybe I needed to be more obvious about, like, what I wanted, so I slid my hand under her pants-- I remember she was wearing these really nice Nike sweatpants-- and felt along her smooth, smooth skin. And then she just stood up and walked away. That’s where the memory ends. What I’m getting at is, how could she not know? I mean, that’s the most overt I ever got, but I’ve hinted, you know? She said she only found out yesterday. Can you believe that?”

“Slow down, Jisoo.”

“It’s just, how could she possibly think something like that’s okay? It’s harassment. No, it’s psychological torture, actually. She’s the only one I’ve thought about that way. Ever. Like, when I break down every so often and have to touch myself in the shower. Just to alleviate some of the pressure of constantly being around her, you know? But it’s only ever been her on my mind when I do it. It was on my phone. That’s how she found out, or that’s how she said she found out, anyway. She broke into my phone and saw what must’ve been gigabytes of pictures of her that I either found online or took myself-- I’ve got some she would never want anyone else to see-- and I guess it all clicked for her. It’s unbelievable. As in I literally don’t believe that she only just figured it out.”

“Woah, Jisoo, relax. Take some deep breaths. Why are you so sad? It sounds like this is what you wanted.”

“Because she ruined it, Lisa. That fucking bitch. She ruined all these fantasies in my head and I can never go back. This isn’t what I wanted. She just came on to me, and I was so powerless. She’s really good at that, making me feel powerless. How can we go back to normal? Our career. Mine, hers, _yours_. She ruined it all because, get this, she wanted me to feel good. That selfish bitch. I can’t… How can I love anyone else ever again?”

And something about the way she trailed off with a little whimper and the way a single tear rolled down her cheek, catching the fluorescent light as it fell, broke the floodgates in Lisa. Like a child, she half-coughed then began to wail.

Memories came back to her, ones she thought she’d let go of years ago: A short but wide Korean woman with a red face listing all her physical flaws in a casual, disattached way. Her parents saying over the phone that they were disappointed in her-- she couldn’t remember why. Girls, older and bigger than her, laughing in a circle at an unflattering picture of her. The other members, giggling amongst themselves in a language Lisa doesn’t understand. Screaming and falling into the blackest pit imaginable.

When she became aware again of the world outside the burning hell of her mind, she felt Jisoo pressed against her the way mating songbirds will, their heads tucked into the crook of each other’s shoulders.

“Jisoo,” Lisa said, her voice raw from weeping. “I have something to tell you as well. You’re really not going to believe this.”


	4. Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosé, all by herself, seeks a chemical escape. But is it the one she wanted?

Rosé, sweating and sleep-deprived, sent Lisa a panicked text. Where was she? Her heart was beating steady and quick, like a car going over speed-bump after speed-bump, the front wheels then the back. What was her problem? Had she regretted last night’s encounter? She’ll never forgive me. Thoughts pounded against her skull.

Lisa:  _ I’m with Jisoo. She needed help. Tell you about it later.  _

Rosé:  _ I miss you. _

Lisa responded with an emoji heart.

Still, though, the icy tension clung to Rosé. An after-effect of the MDMA maybe? The day ahead of her was free, the enormous California sun peered in through the window, and all of America was hers for the taking, but there was a lingering tightness in her chest.

Rosé:  _ Where’d you get those…  _

***

The hazy evening light poured like water into the dimly lit hotel room. Rosé sat alone on the rough carpet. Lisa was nowhere to be found, and she hadn’t heard from Jisoo or Jennie in over twenty-four hours, and she was inventing synonyms for loneliness as she stared at the half-purple half-blue tablet in her palm. Lisa had put her into contact with the plug, as it were-- someone famous indeed. They’d shown up at the hotel in a black hoodie, which Rosé’d thought was pretty cliche, with a tiny ziploc bag containing ten miniscule, multi colored pills. The same ones Lisa had forced on her, the same ones that had caused Rosé to force herself on Lisa, so to speak.

It felt like it’d be pathetic to take one all alone like this. But, on the other hand, who knew when she’d find company again, which was part of the incentive, i.e., the loneliness made the chemical distraction more desirable. So she put one on her tongue and swallowed it with a big gulp of Evian. 

When the sun had finally fallen behind the distant horizon it became abundantly clear that this would not be the same experience as last night. Instead of crashing waves of euphoria and empathy, there was a wobbliness in her vision, a numbness in her body, and a loftiness in her mind. Without her noticing, it was like her consciousness had flown out of her brain and now was viewing Rosé from third-person, like there was a CCTV camera positioned above and slightly to the left of her and she was a security guard who’d just woken up to watch, both the subject and the audience. 

She tried to get a grip on things. This was wrong. But she found she was incapable of experiencing fear at this moment, at least not in the traditional sense, it was more like she could see the Rosé in front of her sweating and wide-eyed and shaking, but felt none of those things herself. Soon, visions began to dance in front of her eyes. Not hallucinations-- she knew they weren’t real-- but dreams, almost, like when you’re about to fall asleep and vivid images play on the backs of your eyelids. Hypnagogic. She saw a variety of things: Lisa tall as a giant with a laurel wreath around her head and totally nude, her parents burning alive in the desert, Jennie with snakes for hair and claws instead of hands. There was a sense of weightlessness, as well. A free fall into delirium. 

The visions, though, became clear at a certain point, calcifying into a coherent narrative. It began, this dream, in the dance studio of the training building which was filled with a legion of small, faceless Asian girls with the same dark hair tied in a ponytail and black sweatpants and baggy t-shirt, all performing the same choreography. Their dance was violent and impossible to comprehend, like a form of martial arts. Rosé herself wasn’t in this imagined studio, nor was anyone else she recognized, only the children-- they seemed to be between fourteen and sixteen, but it was hard to tell without the faces-- and their eerie reflections in the mirror. 

They (i.e. the faceless girls) began to disappear for no apparent reason. Some vanished, then more, until there were four remaining. But, of course, these four lost their form as well. The scene changed. It was a replay of the previous night, with Rosé moving her tongue up and down Lisa’s body, and her moans had a distorted quality like they were being played through a bad speaker. Rosé viewed it all from above. She saw herself and her long, pale hair draped over Lisa’s lithe body, Lisa’s ribs showing through her soft beige skin, her hands pulling at her chest. It had a beautiful kind of symmetry. The way Lisa’s legs were divided in the middle by Rosé’s head-- she, obviously, couldn’t see her own face from this bird’s eye view. The moaning grew louder and louder, Rosé’s (i.e. the Rosé below’s) head bobbing up and down without slowing, reaching down between her own legs.

Then the scene changed again abruptly to a vision of Jisoo and Jennie, somehow low-res, who seemed to be locked in an animalistic mating ritual, circling each other and making strange bestial noises every so often. Jennie growled like a puma and Jisoo was upon her, eating her alive.

The vision changed, this time to a kind of talking head confessional with an older Rosé, maybe fifty, but barely looking it-- and she was crying. Massive tears fell out of her (i.e. the old Rosé’s) eyes. And then it all went to buzzing static.

 

***

When Rosé came to, she was sans clothes with no idea of where they went, spread eagle across the bed, completely soaked. There would be a murder-scene style outline in the sheets if she were to stand up. Blankets were on the floor. A bottle of water stood unopened on the bedside table, and she took it and drank it all in what felt like a single gulp. What did it mean? What the hell was that? 

She discovered her phone after a few panicked moments of searching and found that she’d received no messages or any notifications at all, which for a moment struck her as odd and was disappointing, but then she realized barely any time had passed since she took the pill, less than an hour. 

The next strange realization: she was unbelievably aroused. This registered much in the same way that one realizes they need to use the bathroom, as in it felt like a bodily function that needed to be performed as soon as possible, like it was physically painful to go any longer feeling that way. She reached between her wide, sweating thighs and pushed a finger, then two inside herself. Memories of the unexplainable phenomena were all she could think of, so she got off to the thought of the intimate interactions with Lisa, the vision of her as an enormous goddess, and she had to cover her own mouth to keep from screaming at the top of her lungs.

In the post-orgasmic bliss it all made sense. She knew what she had to do.


	5. Photography

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie feels frustrated, so she turns to the internet to help return some self-confidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This is probably the second-to-last chapter, by the way.)

Jennie donned an oversized top. She wore nothing else. Something about the LA air made the lines and curves of her body feel more like  _ hers,  _ which is to say it was an aphrodisiac. Indeed, something about the freedom, the wide-openness of the city, plus the relative anonymity all combined to imbue her with a sort of raw energy.

Perhaps she’d gone overboard with Jisoo. She knew she was prone to being aggressive in that kind of situation, especially with such a submissive target. But now Jisoo was MIA. Jennie’d texted her several times, five to be exact, and was yet to receive a response. The other members hadn’t been in contact with her either, which bothered more than she expected-- she liked to think of herself as the most independent of the four-- but she wouldn’t let it dampen this electricity that ran through her like white-water.

But how to use it? It wasn’t like she could go out to some bar and pick up some stranger, have a drunken but intensely pleasurable one night stand, and return to a normal life, no matter how badly she wanted exactly that. She ran her hand along her flat stomach and sighed and scrolled through contacts on her phone, hot and bored. It was like the corporate repression and spurned urges were boiling up inside her, threatening to burst out of her skin and explode. Something had to be done.

So she opened the camera and tilted her phone just so, so that the blasting fluorescent light of the hotel room ricocheted off her face in such a way as to obscure the tiny blemish on her left cheek, pouted her lips a little, and closed one eye. She posted it. Instantly, thousands of comments appeared saying things like, “Marry me!” and “You’re the most beautiful woman alive!” It felt good, there was certain rush or thrill to it, but still the interior burning raged on. She tried something different, a body shot this time, though cropping out the little peak of upper thigh-- she didn’t want to go too viral, so to speak. And again there were thousands of ecstatic fans, lustful young boys giving her the type of flattery and praise Aphrodite might’ve received in Ancient Athens.

It was a hollow kind of confidence, though, and not long-lasting. Still those inner embers. She thought of Jisoo and the taste of her lips, her skin, her sex. Perhaps she shouldn’t’ve come on so strong the night before, maybe they could’ve become star-crossed lovers like from so many books and movies, that might’ve been alright.

It was probably fair to say that Jennie’d known about Jisoo’s romantic/sexual interests and intentions prior to the discovery of her browser history. As long as they’d know each other, Jennie’d never seen Jisoo without a little excess blood in her face or a kind of bashfulness she associated with younger male trainees. But Jisoo’d always been like a sister to her, girls who became women together, who shared every day, every thought with one another. It was intimacy, but maybe not the kind Jisoo’d wanted.

Jennie had never understood why sex and sexuality were so frowned-upon-- especially in an industry like hers. Sure, she’d been raised by traditional, conservative parents who rarely talked about such things. But no one, in this day and age at least, was anything close to ignorant or naive. Why had Jisoo been so skittish and afraid when it came to confessing her feelings? Jennie wasn’t a close-minded type (their managers and bosses, on the other hand…) and surely Jisoo knew nothing so trivial as what kind of sex she wanted would get in the way of their friendship. Maybe it was a cultural thing; Rosie and Lisa shared Jennie’s attitude. Then again, Jisoo’d always been that type, despite being older: standing behind Jennie at parties, asking Jennie to settle disagreements for her, etc.

It all made her feel edgy and angry and the heat became almost unbearable _.  _ She ordered a bottle of wine from room service-- a forty-dollar Merlot-- and pored over the comments on her recent photos.

***

After a third glass, Jennie decided she needed to speak with Jisoo, just to smooth things over. So, stumbling through the haze in her mind, she tried to think of something to say, but found she couldn’t; there wasn’t any combination of words to express what she wanted to. A better idea, she decided, was to pull the oversized shirt over her head, lower the phone to between her legs, and take a picture with the front-facing camera then send it to Jisoo-- that was sure to get her attention.

It wasn’t until too late that Jennie realized she hadn’t sent it to Jisoo. She’d instead posted it to the same place as the pictures from earlier, i.e., a social media outlet on which she had over fifteen million followers. 

She rushed to delete it, which was actually a totally arduous process, but it wouldn’t be enough, she knew. A picture like that would be plastered everywhere in no time and be impossible to remove, even with the full weight of a multinational, billion-dollar company behind the effort. Just like that, the career she’d worked her entire life to achieve was gone. She didn’t feel anything.

In the haze, she took a similar picture, this time with her face in the frame and put on her Instagram. Her body felt cool now, it was soothing to be in her skin. Someone would have to delete it for her. Her phone kept vibrating with notifications she didn’t dare look at while she ran her hands up and down her skin, squeezing her breasts without really thinking about it, fantasizing about her new life. No one to tell her she couldn’t pick up a stranger at a bar, no one to tell her what to eat, how to look, etc. She felt free. Someone knocked at her door, but Jennie lied on the carpet, nude, and waited for her world to crumble around her.  


	6. Liberty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four have different perspectives on a heated discussion.

_ I don’t feel pain anymore _

_ Guess what, baby? I feel freeeeeeee _

-KIDS SEE GHOSTS

 

I was mad, but the heart, as so many love songs tell me, has a mind of its own. Just the sight of her, the snaky curves of her body, the little twists in her dark-chocolate hair-- I couldn’t focus, is what I’m getting at. For a little bit, it felt like this would all blow over if I could only stay in the sensory-deprivation tank of her presence. 

But the rational part of me was pissed. We went to a cafe, sneaking out before a reporter could catch us. A cafe because we’d probably end up killing each other if we weren’t in public. Lisa and I were the first to arrive, mostly because I was so anxious about it that I wanted to scope out the place before anyone else, and I made her come with me. 

Chaeyoung next. She looked sick. Pale and bare-faced, a thick hoodie covering her. She smiled, though, at the waitress and greeted us with a lot of enthusiasm, too much enthusiasm for the circumstances.

She said, “I feel like I saw this coming.” 

To which I responded, “Then why the fuck didn’t you do anything about it?”

Lisa put her hand on my shoulder.

“It’s not like that. It just all seems really predictable, looking back on things. I’m not clairvoyant. Or… I’ll tell you about it later.”

“If there is a later,” I said.

Then she entered, strutting through the door, floating above the ground. The woman of the hour, and looking the part. I think my heart literally skipped a beat. I’ve always envied her confidence. I haven’t seen the pictures, and I promised myself I wouldn’t look at them, but I think probably it’s unavoidable-- though of course they’re nothing I haven’t seen before. It’s like if you gave me a box and told me it contained everything I’ve ever wanted and gave me the key but told me that what was inside would also burn me alive. Irresistible.

 

***

I felt weightless. My friends, my family, they all sat at the table, but I sat above it. Levitating inches, perhaps feet above the ground. 

Jisoo spoke first, “What the actual fuck were you thinking?”She sounded so quiet.

“I’m free, Jisoo,” I said. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You’re telling me you blew all of this up, all of  _ us _ because you felt, like, burdened? It’s always been like this. You’ve always put yourself above the rest of us. You fucking selfish--”

Lisa stopped her before she got too loud. Ros é looked around the cafe, making sure no one recognized us or was paying attention to our conversation. I didn’t care either way. They didn’t get it, and if they didn’t get it then no one could. Not that I was expecting acceptance or understanding. Those were things little children did, and thinking about them was like thinking about ants.

“It might be hard to explain,” I said.

“Yeah, I’ll say.”

“But let me try anyway. I mean I’m sure you all know the feeling. The feeling of, like, being trapped in your own skin. Of thinking about all the things you could do if you hadn’t chosen  _ this _ life, all the pleasure you could experience, all the love you’re missing out on. At least, I feel like that a lot.”

“Who the fuck are you to talk about love?” Jisoo said in a hoarse whisper. “All you care about is yourself. I was in  _ love  _ with you, Jennie, and you didn’t know, or chose not to know. And then you threw it all away.”

“You  _ were _ in love with me? Not any more?”

The corners of her heart-shaped mouth dipped down.

“Listen, Jisoo,” Lisa said. “You have to calm down. We need to think about what’s next, there’s no point in staying in the past. And Jennie, we’re only in this situation because of you and your mistake, so could you try to be, like, civil? Was it a mistake?”

“It’s hard to say.” 

***

“I know what you’re talking about, Jennie,” I cut in. “The suffocating nature of our job. I feel like it’s only been this last week that I’ve realized what I’ve been missing. Lisa helped me see. Did you two hear about that? We took some Ecstasy and slept together. And it was like I could see the shape of life, the meaning of it all.”

“I didn’t hear about that,” Jennie said, smiling.

“Well, the only way I can describe is it was like I was floating in pleasure itself. And everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. That’s from something I think, but it’s true. And I could see, I mean really  _ see  _ how beautiful Lisa was, how beautiful everything was. What I’m trying to say is, I know what it’s all really about now. It’s hard to explain.

“And also I can see how we’re all, like, forbidden from it. Like, what Lisa and I did was ‘against the rules’. So I totally understand what you did, Jennie. I know what you’re talking about. I took something else-- I don’t think it was MDMA; I don’t know what it was-- and I could see what was going to happen. How we were all going to end up. Faceless, bitter, old. Cheap little tchotchkes for someone else to play with. And I want to avoid that more than anything. I think even if what you did didn’t happen, Jennie, I would still want to leave.”

It all felt good to say, like a weight off my chest. I was trying to make my words seem final, but I don’t know if the others picked up on that. My love for them bubbled inside me, and I could feel their love in return, warm and reassuring. 

“I know we’re in the home of hippie bullshit, Chaeyoung, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like it,” Jisoo said, and her face was the reddest I’d ever seen. “This is serious.”

 

***

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” I said. “I think we’re all mad at each other and tensions are high and I doubt anything productive is going to come of this.”

“I don’t know,” Jisoo said. “I think this little talk has helped me make up my mind.” And she stood up from our booth and walked away.

This was bad. I knew it was ending, but I didn’t want it to end like this. I felt hollow. Would I ever see Rosie again? Never taste her skin again? I reprimanded myself for only thinking of her. Something catastrophic had happened, and I was a mere bystander, and, like I’ve heard people say is common to traumatic events, my first thoughts were of my loved ones.

“Well, I think that settles things,” Jennie said, and she floated off. 

` “I’m sorry, Lisa,” Rosie said. “I know you wanted things to work out. But I think the writing’s on the wall. I’m sorry.”

I felt tears burn behind my eyes. “Am I never going to see you again?”

“Of course you’ll see me again, don’t be so fatalistic. We’re friends, we’ll always be friends, no matter what happens with our career.”

“Only friends?”

“Oh, Lisa. You know I love you. But I don’t know if we can repeat last night.”

She sat on the other side of the booth, so I had to stand up and walk around to wrap my arms around her. “This is all I want. You say you know what’s really important in life, and I’m happy for you, but this is the only thing I want. That’s all I really care about.”

“I don’t see why that has to end,” she said. She ran her long, slender fingers across my cheek then pulled away from me and stood up. “People are going to be all over us soon, it’s best if we stay apart until things quiet down some. I love you, and I really meant it when I said you were the most beautiful person I’ve ever met-- don’t tell the others. I really, really love you.”

She walked out of the building, head high and older somehow, as if she’d aged decades since the night before. I lowered my forehead to the cool vinyl of the table and felt the world move around me. 


End file.
